missing something that’s never been…..

 
It is strange how many miles I’ve crossed just to end up on someone’s doorstep to say hello or goodbye…

I’m sorry, I’d say. I think I’ve always been sorry in one way or another. 

 

He’d turn on the lava lamp when I told him it was too bright. Quickly, he’d peel of his shirt and I’d think about how I wanted to loop my thumbs under his collarbones and knock my hips against his. His shoulder blades jutted out in odd angles when I pressed my palms into them. I felt his spine and traced it and wondered how many notches I could climb before I had to disappear into the night again.

A few weeks later, I got a phone call from someone else who told me about a dream he had. We were in a bathtub, we were finally alone, he sighed. Perhaps that’s what we wanted from our friendship, someone to be in solitude with. I could be lonely because no one would call me out if I said I was falling in love. I used it as a reason to bury it. An excuse, really. 

Maybe I’ve been doing that for longer than I thought. 

In the early morning light, I caught him breathing shallow. Everything was blue. I stretched my mind back to all the people I’ve been with, all the places I tried to use my apologies for not being quite what anyone needed. For not having what I needed myself. And I thought, for maybe the first time, how I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to mistake being with someone for accepting my loneliness because of the spaces between us. 

And that’s really terrifying.

 

I don’t understand how two people who believed in something so strongly can end up completely on the other side of it, how things can go sour despite my best intentions. That’s terrifying, to not miss you. To be wrong! To feel certain I made the right choice even when it hurt to say it aloud.

and now I am in the midst of something new and it feels so good, but I am terrified of it still. Trying not to run. Trying to stick around. Trying to be just because I can be, meditating and smoking marijuana and counting less days and miles. Hoping it’ll stay, hoping I will stay.

 

 

My mind is filled with the bravery behind saying anything aloud, the allure of nonfiction. How much can I spill, admit, share, face, explain, before I feel the brush of fear.

How far can I go before I start to wonder what the hell I’ve gotten myself into, all smitten and falling so soon.

 

reminiscing about something, remembrance and such…~

 

 

I keep forgetting to mention the part where I miss something that’s never been…

What is happiness?

Happiness is something that lies in the deepest parts of our bodies. It resides in all of us however not everyone acknowledges this. Some people live in a realm of negativity without once ever trying to escape. These people need to realize that if they look hard enough they will find happiness.

 

 

 

Contentment is finding the adventure in every moment and seeing the light at the end of every dark tunnel. In order to be happy you must be optimistic, realize that happiness is not a materialistic item (took me forever to realize this), and that it is a choice. Happiness isn’t something that someone can go out and purchase; a shop doesn’t sell contentment and never will. It is not something that only few have, it is something everyone has but not everyone recognizes.

 

Happiness is just as much perspective as life is, choose to be happy in order to be happy. Happiness as a choice is a very powerful thing. To be able to control emotions is a skill that we are all born with but some do not work on. We are able to detach from certain emotions and build on others. This is something that is needed in order to be happy. Work on it, dig deep to find it, and never give up.

 

Choosing to be happy is a great thing...~

 

Personally I believe that there truly is more and that happiness is really a choice and that it isn’t something that we just find. Never once have I ever thought that if you wanted to be happy all that needed to be done was to be happy. I always thought that if you wanted to be happy a formula had to be correct and everything had to be perfect. But, it’s so much simpler than that. Being content is just choosing to be. Making up your mind to be happy and being happy.

 

There are going to be a lot of obstacles in your way of being happy however anything worth our time is going to take effort. That is where the optimistic part comes in play. If you are willing to strive to be happy even though you may face some difficulties and as long as you are positive you will be happy.  Choose to be happy not because everyone else is doing it, but because it’s the best thing that there is to do. Although happiness is something that we all have we do not all choose to realize this. It isn’t something we can buy or go pick up.

 

 

What is happiness? It’s a choice that we all have the power to make...~

Unexpected intrusions of beauty.

Unexpected intrusions of beauty. This is what life is...~

Sometimes a change in the season around us is just what we need to prod us out of our own internal winters, to shake off the dust and darkness we’ve become accustomed to. I’ve been winter-y for a long time—wilted, discouraged, even a little isolated. I’m inviting the springtime around me into my own life…~

Xavier Rudd - Spirit Bird -  I find this song absolutely lovely.

Peace :-)

genuine and deep submission the heartfelt kind that comes from trust, respect, lust and mental and emotional connection...~

You’re a spiritual being within a human form, and sometimes you simply desire to connect with a soul who feels like home...~

I have no words today. They sleep inside me and do not want to come out. It's okay though, because the sun is shining and winter is slowly departing. I heard birds singing this morning, and possibly the sound of geese coming back for Spring. It might be a few more weeks before I see flowers, but there is change in the air, and I feel like I am waking up from a very long dream. There are things to be done, to be seen, and to be loved...~

How refreshing of a guarantee is it to be able to say, “I have fallen and yet I will rise”. And you don’t just rise, you fucking ascend. You spend so much time with yourself and your feelings that you begin to discover what makes you tick. What inspires you and keeps you hopeful. And you find strength in your weaknesses. You fall in love with who you are and what you have to offer and your eyes begin to open after being shut for way to long...~

The entire beauty of life in one word: fight. You fight because you understand that you cannot, will not, and should not ever lose yourself entirely to the cards life hands you. You fight because you recognize that there is much more out there than some boy who didn’t love you back or some girl who cared much less than she ever let you believe. There is more. And so you, the flower once crushed by the changing of season, work towards the arrival of spring…~

the small things do count...

So today, I resign to being nothing more than who I am; I resign to "be a proliferator of good vibes." I have the magic. Perhaps even more than others. I have good friends, I am in the best shape of my life both physically (not quite yet) and spiritually and I have an enduring family that loves me. I will find a special person again who is wonderful, not only handsome but a true gentleman. His spirit will be warm and masculine. His mind sharp and his arms loving and secure. I am creative. I am a good guy. I have arms and legs and a heart that work. And, the most important, I am blessed every day.

magic and dreams and good madness. reading of some fine books and kissing someone who thinks you're wonderful, don't forget to make some art - write, draw, grow or build or sing or live. surprise yourself...~

It feels cliché writing about hope and spring. But I can’t help it. Flowering trees make me swoon. My heart leaps on my commute when I catch–out of the corner of my eye–a small stand of blossoming and leafing trees otherwise gray with winterized brush. I cheer with joy...~

Though earth and moon were gone. And suns and universes ceased to be. And though we're left alone. Every existence would exist in thee...~

Birthdays Bring New Beginnings…

So today is my birthday...~

A lot has changed in my life over the past few months. I broke up with my guy and also moved to a new place. Moving has allowed me to have a fresh start. I’m single now and around brand new surroundings, and although the break up was really crappy, I’ve come to terms with it and am moving on.

Since it’s my birthday, I really want this new year to be great.

I celebrated my birthday this past weekend with my fab family & friends and had a blast! Good food and good company make me happy =)

I’m lucky to have such supportive and caring people in my life.
Also, thank you to all my friends for your unconditional support. You have made the past year a lot more bearable and easier for me.

I hope turning a year older will make me wiser.

Here’s to an amazing, life changing year!

I’m only looking ahead, there’s no more turning back…~

ACCEPTANCE, I knew, was the missing piece…~

I don’t usually write about “really” personal things here. I usually try to spread the positive stuff and shed light on all the health-conscious things going on around me. But being healthy includes a focus on personal growth, and this is what’s going on in my life right now. After what I’ve gone through over the past year, I’ve realized that pain and suffering are part of the human experience. Everyone goes through love and loss and eventually awakens to a new experience of life. If this post helps even one person cope with a breakup, then this is worth sharing. It’s an incredibly powerful period of growth for me – and for you too, if you’re going through heartbreak.

The past year has felt like a blackout blur. And no, I wasn’t on some kind of drug bender…I was going through an epic breakup. It’s been one of the most painful and overwhelming experiences of my life thus far. And I’ve survived.

When an important relationship comes to an end, whether both people knew it was coming or not, it’s a huge change and a huge loss. Especially if you live together (which we did, for over 5 years). It feels like life as you know it is being ripped out from under you. It feels like you have to create an entirely new life – alone – and that’s a really scary way to feel. You want things to be back to normal. It’s a crazy, confusing array of emotions.

When we decided officially to end the relationship and he moved out, the first few days were insanely painful. Painful doesn’t even describe what I was feeling. I was in total denial and shock that it was actually over. After years of sharing every moment of my life with him, it was impossible to even imagine what life would be like without him. I felt like I was losing my best friend, my partner, my lover, my companion. Even though we both knew this was going to happen – needed to happen, even – I was totally unprepared for how it would actually feel. Heart-wrenching, awful, terrifying and incredibly sad.

So listen. I’m not going to try to tell you how to get over your ex, or how to move on, or anything like that. I’m going to tell you how to literally survive the first few weeks of the breakup - because if you’re going through a breakup and you’re questioning whether or not you can physically and emotionally bear the weight of the pain…I can relate…~

Here’s what I’ve done over the past year to survive and get through the initial stages of the breakup. It hasn’t been easy, but these things helped so much.

1. Sleep at a friend’s house. The first few nights after the breakup, there was no way in hell I was going to sleep in our apartment. It had changed, in a matter of minutes, from a comforting home into a graveyard full of our old memories. Torture. I had to get out of there, fast. I crashed on my friends couches and mattresses and I let them take care of me like I was a little baby (THANK YOU Lulu and Stef, my gay bestie Lee, Danita, Marie-Ann, Anna and most of all Mom). Yes, of course it was hard to fall asleep when I was so distraught. But being with people who love me was really necessary and a huge part of my coping and healing process.

2.  Eat something. I’ve never been one of those “I’m too upset to eat” types of people. Didn’t believe I ever could be. But shockingly enough, my appetite was total zilch for days after the breakup. I didn’t want to put anything into my stomach because I was so nauseous. Fortunately my friends coaxed me to drink wine, a milkshake which I haven’t had in years, and eat some fruit. That’s all I could force down, but if I hadn’t eaten anything the emotional turmoil would have been much worse. Once I was on my own I had to force myself to eat an apple, a grapefruit and eventually a few almonds. Trust me, if you don’t eat anything, you’ll feel more out of control than you already feel. Now that I’ve gotten comfortable using my juicer again (my first thoughts after the breakup were “I’ll never use ‘our’ juicer again!” – thankfully that passed), I’ve been making green juice every day and my healing body is thanking me.

3. Call people all the time. All of my closest friends and family members got multiple phone calls throughout. I needed to feel like I wasn’t alone, and having “void” alone time was excruciating. Talking to my friends and family did miraculous things for my healing. One thing was that many people had a breakup war story of their own to tell me – including the part where they end up OK. The other thing was that I allowed myself to be super vulnerable and actually let people know that I needed help and was suffering. That’s usually really hard for me to do. I felt my friendships getting stronger because of my vulnerability. So call people. Your friends want to be there for you.

4. Feel it. I’ve heard the phrase “the only way out is through.” It’s true. Don’t avoid your pain with overeating, alcohol, drugs, jumping into the arms of someone new, or other ways of numbing out. Cry as much as you need to. Feel every bit of sadness. The real suffering comes from trying to push away the feelings. Have acceptance that you’re going through a hard time, and let it exist. It’s not permanent, and the more you let yourself feel, the sooner you’ll start to feel better.

5. Ground yourself in physical tasks. Part of going through a grieving process is that sometimes you just don’t know what to do. You probably won’t feel inspired to do anything that involves thinking too hard. What really helped me to get through the “what do I do” moments was to do mindless physical tasks like laundry, cleaning out the refrigerator and doing dishes. It will help you move through your day.

6. Exercise. The pain and sadness need to move through you. There’s a lot of stuck energy in your body that needs to be released. For me, the first couple of days, walking outside for hours was a welcome relief and gave me a chance to breathe and make phone calls. Meditating and Yoga has been helping tremendously too.

7. Help someone else. I know, this probably sounds like the last thing you feel like doing right now. But miraculously, and definitely for a reason, I was scheduled to do training the first few days after my breakup. Even though I felt like a complete and total wreck, and it took every ounce of my strength to get through the day, helping them out gave me a very welcome relief from sitting around in my own head all day. It was no accident that I was scheduled to be there those days. (THANK YOU for everything guys).

8. Commit to staying healthy and nurturing yourself. Treat yourself as if you were sick. Hydrate. Eat something nourishing – soup, juices, smoothies. Take a day or two off of work if you can. Let it be OK that you’re not as productive as usual. Give yourself a break. Light candles. Wrap yourself in blankets. Try to sleep.

9. Read this book. Broken Open – How Difficult Times Help Us Grow, by Elizabeth Lesser. A dear friend put this book into my hands right after the breakup. “You need this,” she said. And I did. This book is full of stories of people who have been transformed and awakened and have grown through pain, loss and suffering. It kept me company and truly made me begin to have compassion for myself and for everyone around me. It gave me hope.

10. Ask for help in whatever way feels right to you. Whether you pray, meditate, read passages from spiritual books, ask for help from a mentor, a friend, a family member, a therapist, God, angels, spirit guides, the Universe, your higher self, Buddha, John Lennon…it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you try to maintain even a slight shred of belief that things are unfolding as they should, you’re not in this alone, you’re on the right path, you’re taken care of, and you’re exactly where you need to be.

If you’re suffering, take it day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Try some of the tips I’ve shared, as I can vouch that they work wonders. Soon, you’ll start to get to the place where the moments of pain are fewer and you’ll begin to feel more moments of clarity, hope and peace.

I’ve been broken open. And if you’re going through the initial stages of a breakup now, you’re broken open too. Your heart is becoming more open, vulnerable, compassionate. You’re about to enter into a transformational stage of your life where you’re going to get to know you – the real you – much better. And it’s going to be beautiful and better than you could have ever imagined. I truly believe that for myself and for you.

And expect more personal growth blogs here in the near future. I’ve got a lot of growing, awakening and transforming to do…which, I’ll admit…is kind of exciting.

Somewhere sometime during this last year, I was haunted by the word Acceptance, saw it everywhere and it struck me deeply.

ACCEPTANCE, I knew, was the missing piece in my healing…~

Being single and no regrets...

4th of July - most definitely a memorable day for me...~

Isn't it crazy how much a year can do? change is inevitable!!!!!

I would never have thought my life would turn this way a year ago. It gives me hope. If you're feeling down, remember life is full of surprises and I'm almost sure that a year from now, probably less, you'll be living something you never thought would happen.


together we make up all the colors


Being single and no regrets. It took me a while to begin to let go. Hour by hour. Days into weeks. It was a physical sensation, like letting out the string of a kite. Except that the string was coming from my centre.

I am free today, I am healed and I am filled with contentment I cannot begin to describe! ‪#‎single_life‬ ‪#‎happiness‬ ‪#‎freedom‬ ‪#‎peace‬ ‪#‎much_love‬ ‪#‎no_regrets