missing something that’s never been…..

 
It is strange how many miles I’ve crossed just to end up on someone’s doorstep to say hello or goodbye…

I’m sorry, I’d say. I think I’ve always been sorry in one way or another. 

 

He’d turn on the lava lamp when I told him it was too bright. Quickly, he’d peel of his shirt and I’d think about how I wanted to loop my thumbs under his collarbones and knock my hips against his. His shoulder blades jutted out in odd angles when I pressed my palms into them. I felt his spine and traced it and wondered how many notches I could climb before I had to disappear into the night again.

A few weeks later, I got a phone call from someone else who told me about a dream he had. We were in a bathtub, we were finally alone, he sighed. Perhaps that’s what we wanted from our friendship, someone to be in solitude with. I could be lonely because no one would call me out if I said I was falling in love. I used it as a reason to bury it. An excuse, really. 

Maybe I’ve been doing that for longer than I thought. 

In the early morning light, I caught him breathing shallow. Everything was blue. I stretched my mind back to all the people I’ve been with, all the places I tried to use my apologies for not being quite what anyone needed. For not having what I needed myself. And I thought, for maybe the first time, how I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to mistake being with someone for accepting my loneliness because of the spaces between us. 

And that’s really terrifying.

 

I don’t understand how two people who believed in something so strongly can end up completely on the other side of it, how things can go sour despite my best intentions. That’s terrifying, to not miss you. To be wrong! To feel certain I made the right choice even when it hurt to say it aloud.

and now I am in the midst of something new and it feels so good, but I am terrified of it still. Trying not to run. Trying to stick around. Trying to be just because I can be, meditating and smoking marijuana and counting less days and miles. Hoping it’ll stay, hoping I will stay.

 

 

My mind is filled with the bravery behind saying anything aloud, the allure of nonfiction. How much can I spill, admit, share, face, explain, before I feel the brush of fear.

How far can I go before I start to wonder what the hell I’ve gotten myself into, all smitten and falling so soon.

 

reminiscing about something, remembrance and such…~

 

 

I keep forgetting to mention the part where I miss something that’s never been…

What is happiness?

Happiness is something that lies in the deepest parts of our bodies. It resides in all of us however not everyone acknowledges this. Some people live in a realm of negativity without once ever trying to escape. These people need to realize that if they look hard enough they will find happiness.

 

 

 

Contentment is finding the adventure in every moment and seeing the light at the end of every dark tunnel. In order to be happy you must be optimistic, realize that happiness is not a materialistic item (took me forever to realize this), and that it is a choice. Happiness isn’t something that someone can go out and purchase; a shop doesn’t sell contentment and never will. It is not something that only few have, it is something everyone has but not everyone recognizes.

 

Happiness is just as much perspective as life is, choose to be happy in order to be happy. Happiness as a choice is a very powerful thing. To be able to control emotions is a skill that we are all born with but some do not work on. We are able to detach from certain emotions and build on others. This is something that is needed in order to be happy. Work on it, dig deep to find it, and never give up.

 

Choosing to be happy is a great thing...~

 

Personally I believe that there truly is more and that happiness is really a choice and that it isn’t something that we just find. Never once have I ever thought that if you wanted to be happy all that needed to be done was to be happy. I always thought that if you wanted to be happy a formula had to be correct and everything had to be perfect. But, it’s so much simpler than that. Being content is just choosing to be. Making up your mind to be happy and being happy.

 

There are going to be a lot of obstacles in your way of being happy however anything worth our time is going to take effort. That is where the optimistic part comes in play. If you are willing to strive to be happy even though you may face some difficulties and as long as you are positive you will be happy.  Choose to be happy not because everyone else is doing it, but because it’s the best thing that there is to do. Although happiness is something that we all have we do not all choose to realize this. It isn’t something we can buy or go pick up.

 

 

What is happiness? It’s a choice that we all have the power to make...~

Unexpected intrusions of beauty.

Unexpected intrusions of beauty. This is what life is...~

Sometimes a change in the season around us is just what we need to prod us out of our own internal winters, to shake off the dust and darkness we’ve become accustomed to. I’ve been winter-y for a long time—wilted, discouraged, even a little isolated. I’m inviting the springtime around me into my own life…~

Xavier Rudd - Spirit Bird -  I find this song absolutely lovely.

Peace :-)

genuine and deep submission the heartfelt kind that comes from trust, respect, lust and mental and emotional connection...~